Oklahoma :
Ted Lasso : … You know our therapist gave us this code word to use, so if either of us says “Oklahoma”, the other one has to tell the God’s honest truth … Pretty helpful. But it did ruin the musical for me though. So, every time I hear “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” or “The Surrey With The Fringe On Top” … Anyway, if I hear any of those tunes, I immediately think about my wife telling me that my constant optimism is too much.
Rebecca Welton : And this sharing of feelings is because I opened up to you about my ex-husband at the Gala?
Ted Lasso : Yes, ma’am.
Rebecca Welton : Well, that’s a lesson learned.
Ted Lasso : Oh, come on now. I bet deep down you kind of dig we’re getting so close, right?
Rebecca Welton : I do.
Ted Lasso : Oklahoma?
Rebecca Welton : I do not.
- Ted Lasso
9. #LifeIntoExistence : Oklahoma
— Sunday Afternoon : A Bit Of Space —
“Perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.”
- [Qur’an 4: 19]
”It is impossible to love someone and control them at the same time.”
- Terry Crews
The Quran verse above has been speaking to me quite a bit recently …
I’ll reference it again
At the end of this section …
”I absolutely love your cologne.”
The middle aged white woman
Tells me as she leads me
To the volleyball game …
Wakening Woods …
I stepped away from myself on Sunday
I had spent Saturday quite detached
Because I needed to revisit and resettle into
A few past hurts and shift my perspective …
So, I attended a colleague’s game
To get my mind off of things …
In my last poem, I discussed
Helping my student through a breakup …
Well, in order to empathize
I needed to resettle into my past pain
To offer him advice and tell him the lessons I learned
That made me not do certain things again …
When I revisited that incident
I saw how closed off I was
How I was petrified of difficult feelings
Afraid of being hopeless
- Losing my optimism -
And I constructed walls to feel protected …
— One Year Later —
She reaches out to me via email
She tells me that there is
Paperwork we need to talk through
Because her name is still on my insurance …
We schedule our final conversation …
But as I read through the text
I see so much has changed …
There’s so much distance …
— Analysis —
This is not about creating heroes and villains
This is only my self-reflection …
I was afraid to face the music.
Love is not control …
And I wanted full control of the situation.
I wanted it to happen
On my terms
So, I could predict
Our reactions …
But love does not work this way …
Oklahoma …
Allow me to be fully transparent
As I share my thought process back then …
We have to make this work because we spent
Close to five years together
And we have great relationships with our families ...
Love convinced us to make sense
Of a narrative that made no sense ...
How else could we have looked at it?
For example, if you spent
Hours preparing a meal
But it turned out to be terrible
Would you still eat it
And risk food poisoning?
"But I spent hours on it !"
You'd argue ...
Consume the meal
Even though it's hurting you ...
That's where we found ourselves.
In a space of dishonesty and denial
Denying our needs
And forcing what didn’t exist …
But it did teach me an important lesson.
Love is not tolerance
— Rather acceptance —
We tolerated one another
Because we felt like we “had to be together” …
But we no longer appreciated
— Nor accepted —
One another …
I found myself
Holding less and less space
And finding her overly sensitive
And she found me to be
Emotionless, delusional
And annoyingly optimistic …
We no longer cared about the other’s happiness …
What’s ironic is that I initially
Fell for her softness, deep empathy, and sensitivity
And she fell for my hopeful romanticism
And how I always saw a bright light
No matter how dark it seemed …
However …
“Perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.”
That’s why now I embrace every emotion
No matter how difficult
And I settle in the pain
— Though difficult —
I now see the value
In not being that person again …
— Rewind … Saturday : Mini-Dan and Blank Checks —
On Saturday, my friend
Helped me move some furniture
Into my basement …
My colleague sold it to me
For a few hundred
After she had purchased it
Only a few years ago
For a few thousand …
My cup runneth over …
Before I discuss Mini-Dan
Allow me to share a quick story …
When I lived in Berlin
My mentor gave me
A credit card
And told me to travel freely …
I never did that.
Sure, I went to few places
But I used the card hesitantly …
Conservatively …
I felt I was undeserving.
I felt I hadn’t done anything
To have earned it.
When I returned to the States
He asked :
”Why didn’t you use that card?
It was a blank check.
I wanted you to use it freely.
You were meant to have the
European life that I once dreamed.
You were supposed to burn that money.”
I felt so stupid.
That’s why now I live so freely.
Jump on every opportunity.
Ask for whatever I dream
And experience life limitlessly …
I promise
It’s not arrogance
— Just a newfound confidence.
So, when the chance came
To purchase the furniture
I jumped on it immediately …
On our ride to my colleagues …
My friend tells me about his Christian spiritual journey …
How threw away all of his rap CDs
How he and his wife are fasting now
And I heard him admirably …
Ramadan is coming soon
I figured it wise to practice as well …
So, every other weekend
I will fast and detach
Settle in prayer and
Let go of all that is not well …
I call it “Mini-Dan” …
Practice until Ramadan begins …
— Sunday Evening : What Do You Want —
After the volleyball game
I texted a close friend
To see if she’d like to meet
For dinner that evening …
At dinner she asks me
About my dating life
I tell her that I am
Enjoying my life
Of serenity and celibacy …
”Isn’t it peaceful?”
She agrees …
It is.
Yet, I do have a desire
To deeply love somebody …
— Yet, not desperately.
Love in my life is overflowing.
I have friends who care for me
And who I can rely upon
I have a close relationship
With my family
I am respected by my colleagues
And loved by my students …
So, I am not at a lack of love.
Far from it.
My cup runneth over …
I experience it abundantly.
Yet, the desire to love someone romantically
Stems from a redemptive quality …
To make amends with who I used to be
And see how far I have evolved spiritually …
”What do you want?” She asks me.
And I tell her all the questions I’ve pondered
For my wife to be … ***
Oklahoma …
- K.S. Fort
The goal this year is to document as many memories as possible.
This is the series to the next book, “#LifeIntoExistence : Tabula Rasa”. This book will be available towards the end of October.
For those interested in books written in the past, feel free to read the Google Documents at this link.
Lastly, for those who want to support my journey financially (please remember, I do have a fur baby), purchase the Kindle books at this link.
Enjoy the journey and live with intention …
*** QUESTIONS :
— Values —
What kind of love do you believe you deserve?
Are you in a space to vulnerably receive love?
Are you able to provide grace, patience and forbearance after I've taken accountability?
Are you willing to see the best in me?
Are you willing to embrace my flaws as well?
Are you able to offer and accept excruciating honesty?
Do you believe love is easy or difficult?
— Emotional Regulation —
What is your relationship with nature?
Are you open to being compassionately challenged by another perspective?
Are you curious to learn more in life?
How do you resolve conflicts?
Are you able to sit silently and enjoy one another - being connected - but not attached?
— Faith —
How will we use faith to form the foundation of our family?
How do you use prayer to strengthen you through difficult times?
How does faith guide you in difficult life decisions?
How does faith help you surrender to God’s plan?
— Health —
What is your relationship with your body? Do you feel secure in your skin? Are you tempted to compare yourself to others?
Are you open to long walks and/or physically competitive activities?
Are you competitive?
Are you okay with my being competitive?
Do you bond over outdoor or indoor activities?
— Financial —
Do you have a desire to earn seven figures?
What are your financial goals?
Where do you see yourself financially in 5, 10, 15 years?
What investments do you have?
Do you have a financial advisor?
Have you taken steps to secure your family’s future by investing in different insurances?
What ideas do you have to earn passive income - “mailbox money”?
Do you enjoy saving money?
— Adventurous —
Are you open to taking four holidays a year?
What is your risk tolerance?
Would you ever go skydiving? Bungee jumping?
Could an adventure for you be as simple as cuddling and conversing over a novel we’re both reading?
Can you appreciate, and venture through, the stillness and monotony of our relationship as well?
— Curiosity —
Are you open to being compassionately challenged by another perspective?
Are you curious to learn more in life?
What are you reading?
Do you listen to podcasts?
If so, which ones, and why?
How are you growing in life?
How are you softening?
How are you surrendering?
— Bonus —
What are your thoughts on vaccines? Are you open to having your perspective shifted?
What is your experience with holistic medicine?
What are your thoughts on politics?
Are you okay with my being an anarchist?